


all this love for you

by ThatOneFan



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Second Person, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Self-Hatred, i write all my drabbles in second person don’t look at me, they’re both 18+ too so there’s that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26262760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneFan/pseuds/ThatOneFan
Summary: a study in desire, in self-loathing and longing, and a moment of requited love in the wake of devastation.
Relationships: Riku/Terra (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	all this love for you

**Author's Note:**

> so.....terriku fans how we feeling. i’m so late with writing any kingdom hearts fic and i sort of. accidentally fell into this ship via rp so here we go. have some second person mutual pining from terra's point of view because writing this hurt so you all have to suffer with me.
> 
> this was written on my phone so if the formatting of paragraphs is weird, that's why.
> 
> title from oh my love by layla.

you feel it in your chest, it sits heavy in your stomach like a brick, a cinder block. _guilt.longing.shame._ it sits and churns and makes you  _nauseous_ to even think about it too long.maybe he didn’t know what you meant,  _but you knew_ , and that was sickening enough.

_ well, look at you. _

if she’d heard, if she  _knew_ , aqua would think you were sick.you wonder if she’d think you’d still clung to the darkness.but the boy you met was grown up now, he wasn’t a child anymore.

was it so wrong if you noticed the way baby fat had melted into sharp jawlines and hard lines of muscle in his arms ??was it so terrible if you’d caught the lines of his collarbones and wanted to kiss them ??did this aching desire to see, to feel, to  _touch_ make you a monster, no better than  _him_ ??

they didn’t make children keyblade masters.and yet when he looks at you, sometimes you can still see the boy from the islands.it turns your stomach that you want him,  _this_ version of him, grown up and strong and....

it should disgust him when you can’t seem to keep your eyes off of him, but when he catches you, riku simply smiles back, he sometimes waves.the corners of his eyes crinkle, your eyes follow the curve of his lips.it makes your heart stop, flutter in its cage of bone.he’s really grown up, you think.no longer that boy you met so long ago.

another reason not to want him, you think.you knew him as a child.he was FIVE when you met him.he was a child, and you wonder what his lips feel like.you think about him as a child again, and a heavy wave of disgust hits you.you couldn’t imagine looking at that boy on the beach and wanting him like this, the very thought makes you want to throw up.

you hope he doesn’t see it in your eyes, in your face everytime you talk to him.what would he say ??what would he do ??you wonder if the severance would be quick and painless, or if it would be agonizing.that’s the difference between having your throat cut and being stabbed.

one is an act of mercy, one is a measure of anger.

you hope he would be kind enough to show you mercy.

because he  _is_ kind.whether he knows it or believes it is another.but you know it.you see it.you’ve always known it.you wonder if he knows it, or if he looks at himself and sees the same thing in the mirror as you: a monster.

to think about that breaks your heart, so you don’t.you try not to think at all anymore, because you know exactly where your thoughts will go.

so you train.you move until your muscles scream in protest and your lungs are heaving.exhaustion drowns your thoughts, but it never lasts long enough.he always comes to find you, he wants to talk, need advice, and you, careless fool that you always have been, you answer.you give him advice, be it training or otherwise, and you become his friend.

it feels so much more like drowning than you ever imagined it could.your lungs fill up with honey from the sweetness, you choke back the words you want to say and tell him what he needs to hear.

after all, you’re so very good at repressing things, aren’t you ??

you take every moment you can get, steal every glance, linger on every word he gives you.you break down one night in your room after everyone is asleep, the heels of your palms pressed into your eyes, as if that would stop you crying.

you have come to a cruel and terrible realization, one that is too hurtful to be so unforgivingly common.

you will never be loved by him the way you want to be.you know he will never think of you the way you think about him, you’re lucky enough he even sees you as a friend.it’s enough, or it will be.you will make it enough, and you will not allow yourself to see longing where it doesn’t exist.

hope does nothing but deepen the wound, and you will not allow this to fester, to ruin something more that is good.it will not be  _him_ ruining things anymore.anything else that breaks is broken by your own hands now. 

but despite all this, you think you see it sometimes.when he looks at you, you think you see something softer, something reflected to you.it does not come from you, it’s not something you’re looking for.you know that because you don’t allow yourself to look for it.it comes from  _him_ , that good and kind boy with hair like starlight, silver and soft.you think you can see it in his eyes, the way he seeks you out late at night, when riku could just as easily get his advice from aqua.

you ask him that, one night, why he doesn’t ask aqua, doesn’t seek a fellow keyblade master for advice.the starboy merely smiles, that soft, shy thing that makes your heart do flips in your chest.

_‘i wanted to ask **you** .’_

he  _wanted_ .and what he wanted was  you,  and in a matter of seconds all your carefully built strength comes crashing down around you.you knew it, you’ve been gone since the moment you found him again, heart in your throat and hands shaking.but you’re careful, so very careful not to break this fragile thing.you temper your wild heart by reminding yourself that he came to you for advice, you are a friend and a mentor, your feelings don’t matter.

but when riku smiles again, you can’t help but smile back, you let yourself feel it, just for a moment.you wonder if he can see it, written so plainly on your face, how he is the light,  _your _ light.you tell him you’re happy to help, and his cheeks turn the faintest shade of pink in the low light of the setting sun.you blame it on the lighting, and place a hand on his shoulder.his own hand, feather light, rests on your jaw, gently, like he’s scared to break you.

he couldn’t break you any more than you already were.and if he could, you would let him, you would let him be your ruin, the melting sun to your wings of wax.

but you don’t let the moment linger, letting your hand fall from his shoulder, stepping back and already missing the warmth of his presence, his hand, his  _heart_ .he almost looks sad when you say it’s getting late, he should get some sleep.you watch him leave with a heavy sense of melancholy in your chest, the heavy weight of longing.

he’s careless with you after that, lingering in your space, brushing your arm, your side, your shoulder.it’s too much and not enough, and you wonder if he’s trying to get you to make the move you’ve been so desperately holding back from.it’s so terribly exhausting, being in love with him, so you keep moving, keep busy, exhaust yourself in other ways.riku asks to spar, and if you remember the sight of him pinned underneath you on the mat, chest heaving for breath, if your own flush isn’t due to exertion, that’s your secret to keep.your hands twitch where they box him in, the desire to  _touch_ overwhelming.it aches, and you pull away, announcing that you’re done for the day.you feel his lingering gaze searing into your skin.

you wonder if he knows.you wonder if he hates you for it.what else but burning contention could make his eyes sear your very soul ??

you know what else, but you won’t give it a name.

riku comes to you again later that night, when the stars have come out again and the sky is tinged purple.he doesn’t seek advice, not the kind you’re  _ready_ to give him, not the kind you  _want_ to give him.

_ ‘how do you know you’re in love ??’ _

you think this must be what death feels like.loving him has always come at a price.your heart, your life, your sanity, you would pay it.but this hurts.you hoped he would grant you mercy, be kind in his rejection, and end it.you wonder if he knows just how cruel he’s being now.he’s in love, and you know it’s not you.

you tell him that it feels like no pain you’ve ever known, but you can’t imagine wanting to live without it.the stars are brighter, colors are more vibrant, everything reminds you of them.you are careful with your words, you can’t let him know, not now. _oh god,_ it might kill you if he knew it now.this is the kindest rejection he can give.you say he should tell them how he feels, longing is the worst kind of pain.let them know, in no uncertain terms

when he sits beside you, you crack and crumble, imploding as you try to keep your broken heart together.he looks off to the distance, you wonder if he’s longing for that missing boy, sora.you wouldn’t be surprised, it makes perfect sense.he looks so bittersweet, you know you can’t tell him now.he’s worried, waiting, like sora is a soldier yet to come home from war.it’s accurate, you think.to love someone who isn’t around, you think that might be worse.

when he speaks, it’s not what you’re expecting him to say.he turns that bittersweet gaze on you, and it softens so much you could cry.you swallow your heart back down to your chest and you ache, silently, softly, as he takes your hands in his own.your hands are shaking, just like the rest of you, and you shut your eyes, you crack and fold.silently, you beg him to be gentle on you, be gentle with this patchwork heart of yours, for it’s all you have left that’s yours.

_ ‘i love you, terra.’ _

you break then and there, you shatter in his hands, glass tinkling and pain laid bare.you fall apart under the weight of his words.you begged any god that would listen that this boy would be gentle with you, would hold your heart in his hands and be kind where so many have not been.and he is, his hands cradle the sore spots so gently you forget they ever ached, and he fills in the missing pieces with some of his own.you choke back a sob, he flinches, but doesn’t let go of your hands.if he did, you might lose yourself now.

he loves you, and he shouldn’t.you want him to and yet you don’t at the same time.he is so strong, kind, and good where you are not.he is the light that kept you safe in that awful dark place for so long.he was the one you thought of, the little boy that shouldn’t be here like this.you let out a shuddery breath, squeeze his hands, and tell him he can’t.he can’t love you, but you can’t think of a good enough reason why.you started crying before you realized it, and his hands brush away your tears.

you love him so much, you couldn’t have imagined he loved you too.he smiles at you, soft, sweet, a little bit of that melancholy you have, too.gently, tiredly, you lean into his hand, and finally,  _finally_ , you smile, something soft and sweet. 

you tell him you love him too, that you have for longer than you’d care to admit by now.you’ve loved him since you came back and saw him, all grown up and battle hardened.you place your hand over his on your face and softly, gently, you feel.you whisper it again into the space between you now, and riku’s cheeks turn pink.he’s beautiful, you think, and he looks at you again, and you let yourself see it this time.the same longing is reflected in his own eyes as one hand settles on the side of your jaw now and you shudder.his hands are so warm, battle calloused and rough like your own, but warm.

you close your eyes when he leans in, and he steals your breath when he kisses you.you love a boy who loves you back, and for the first time it doesn’t feel like shame.he’s blinding, even with your eyes closed you can see it, feel it.he’s always been light, nothing else could shine as bright as he does, nothing else could be as warm.

childishly, you pout when he leans away, and he laughs.you laugh too, you can’t seem to help it.

_‘i love you, too.’_


End file.
